8 Subtle Signs You’re In A Controlling Relationship
I write a lot about relationships because I feel connecting with another human being is the most important thing we can do. It’s also a privilege when someone truly allows you to see them and know them. However, more often than not I’ve sat at the other side of the table over shared cups of coffee or wine and have picked up on the subtleties of controlling partners to people whom I care deeply for and respect — who are also very open-minded and loving.
Here are some SUBTLE signs that you may enraptured in a controlling relationship.
- Small Constant Criticisms
Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. In fact, someone may try to convince themselves that their partner’s criticism of them is warranted, or that their partner is just trying to help them be a better person. Or they may try to rationalize it. Ultimately, no matter how individually small a criticism seems, if it’s part of a constant dynamic within your relationship, it would be very tough to feel accepted, loved, or validated. If every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner’s eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?
2. A Scorecard That Is Kept In The Back Pocket
Healthy, stable relationships have a sense of reciprocity built into them. If every little slip up or that time you forgot about date night 4 years ago consistently seeps its way back into the narrative you may be the victim of a clever abuser.
3. Guilt As a Tool
Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner’s own emotions work in the controlling person’s favor. If they can manipulate their partners into feeling a steady stream of guilt about everyday goings-on, then a lot of the controlling person’s work is done for them — their partners will gradually try to do whatever they can to not have to feel guilty or to measure up in the eyes of the controller. Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person’s hands.
4. Overactive and Irrational Jealousy
A partner’s jealousy can be flattering in the beginning; it can arguably be viewed as endearing, or a sign of how much they care or how attached they are. When it becomes more intense, however, it can be nothing less than possessive. A partner who views every interaction you have as being flirtatious or inappropriate, is suspicious or threatened by multiple people you come in contact with, or faults you for innocent interactions because they may be “leading someone on” they may be insecure, anxious, competitive or even paranoid. Additionally, when this perspective becomes ingrained within your relationship, they very likely are attempting to be controlling as well.
5. Relentless Arguing Until You Finally Agree
Getting you so tired of arguing that you’ll relent. While some controlling people like to exert their influence under the radar, many others are openly and chronically argumentative and embrace conflict when they can get it. This can be especially true when their partner is more passive and the controlling person is likely to triumph in every disagreement that comes up, just because the partner being controlled is more conflict-avoidant in nature or simply exhausted from the fighting that they’ve done.
6. Making You Feel Shame For Your Beliefs
Maybe it’s your faith or your politics. Maybe it’s cultural traditions or your view of human nature. It’s great when our partners can challenge us in interesting discussions and give us new ways of looking at the world. It is not great when they make you feel small, silly, stupid, or bad or they consistently try to change your mind about something important to you that you believe in. Openness to new experience is wonderful — but a controlling partner doesn’t see it as a two-way street, they only see it their way and only want you to be and think more like they and their inner circle do.
7. Making You Feel Like You Embarrass Them
In other words you don’t measure up or aren’t worthy of them or the people they love. They’ll mask this as caring and that it’s important to them what other people think of you. Controlling people often want you to feel grateful that you are in a relationship with them. This creates a dynamic where you will be more willing to work harder and harder to keep them and make them happy — a dream for someone who wants to dominate a relationship.
8. Inability Or Unwillingness To Ever Hear Your Point Of View.
You may notice that you are interrupted, or that opinions you express are quickly dismissed due to a deeper understanding that your partner holds or your points were never acknowledged in the first place. Perhaps the conversation is always so overwhelmingly dominated by your partner that you can’t remember the last time they asked you a meaningful question about how you were doing and actually listened to the answer. Think, too, of whether you’ve ever tried to give them feedback about how their behavior makes you feel — and whether they’ve actually been able to take it in, or whether they’ve dismissed it out of hand (or perhaps even blamed you for having an invalid or uneducated opinion.)
Previous Article Credit: Psychology Today Andrea Boniar of Baggage Check
